I'll let this 2,000 word continuation of Sun Dagger speak for itself for now. Tell me what you think! Does it live up to any expectations you might have had? Does everything make sense?
It was almost two entire seasons before a messenger came from the east road bearing news of Pharin Karuanhe and his band: they had been defeated at Tiwa after many moons of battles and failed talks; the headman of Tiwa had left none alive. Karuanhe himself had fallen in the end of the first month of the winter season, drained dry of his magical Spark by the enemy pharin. The remaining warriors fell soon after, without a healer and a pharin to work magic and speak with the Sun Spirits.
Yasuvide, the chief of Otowa Hopa and one of the Wise on the Council that governed all of the Tkalis people, grieved in silence for his brother. If he said any words, good or bad, about his dead brother, only his second wife, Esuna, heard them. Two days after the news had come, he summoned his sons.
“Aza, Ani, Esuna,” he said when they were gathered and seated in a diamond-shape. “My brother Tkaruanhe left us more than the problem with Otowa Tiwa. Without him, our family no longer has a pharin. According to the laws of the Tkalis people, a member of the Council must have a family member that serves Gran Tkalis.”
“Is there no one in our family that is a mage-priest?” Aza wondered. “What about our brothers and sisters in the other cities? Cousin Kawaqi had been training as a pharin when we last went to Otowa Ataye four cycles ago. She could come here.”
Yasuvide shook his head gravely. “She is Tkawaqi now. She joined the ranks of the Sun Spirits after a fight with the Vele tribe. I sent messengers to ask the other members of our house. Tkaruanhe was the last.”
“Our family is spread thin and wide. Most of us are too old. It is time we came together again.” Esuna noted cryptically. She sat across from her her husband, between her step-sons, her loom set up in front of her. Her fingers worked quickly even though her mind was on other matters and in her lap the newest member of their family, a girl that had been born only a fortnight ago, slept peacefully.
“Esuna has already borne children, and thus cannot start training as one. It is uncommon, but a son may also join the ranks of the pharin.”
“Like uncle Tkaruanhe,” Aza put in.
“Tkaruanhe was only a pharin because he had a bad leg and arm and couldn’t run and shoot like all the warriors must,” Ani retorted.
Yasuvide continued quickly. “I understand that both of you want to become warriors and have already started training as weonats, and thus am willing to step down from my Council seat. I merely wanted you to know that this path exists, should either of you wish to take it.”
The two boys were quiet at this news. Finally, Ani spoke. “So Aza or I have to heal and talk to dead people for the Gran Tkalis or else Father has to resign from his post on the Council of the Wise.” He thought about this news, biting his thumb. “That would really change our lives,” his figured, no doubt thinking of the larger rooms they had now and the food and sweets. Ani was thinking of all the living people they met from other people and cities and all the news he heard when he realized something. “Father, if you resign, who will take your place on the Council? Who will lead Otowa Hopa and represent us on the Council?”
His father replied as though he expected the question. “Okunaro. He was good enough to remind me to speak with you on this matter today. ”
Ani was so alarmed he hardly heard the latter sentence. Okunaro was his father’s financial consultant, an intimidating though cranky retired man that kept careful watch on the stored trade goods and ensured the streets and houses of the city were polished and clean. Ani and Aza had oftentimes been caught by his sonorous voice, commanding them to clean up some mess or another, whether or not they were involved in the making of the mess. His son Oko had picked up on his bossy ways and pushed the other children around. He imagined that if Okunaro was headman, the children of Hopa would spend their days cleaning and polishing to perfection everything from a bow for trade to a pebble on the Great North Road. He shuddered.
Slowly Aza said, “Whether or not Father steps down, if the situation continues as is he would bring shame to Otowa Hopa. For hundreds of cycles no headman has had to step down because there was no pharin in his family while there remained eligible people.” He didn’t need to continue. Everyone in the room understood where Aza was going with this train of thought: Yasuvide would be likened to Yawesa, the infamous headman from many cycles past. Because Yawesa had not honored the Gran Tkalis and Sun Tribe with a pharin from his family while headman, he was said to have not joined the Sun Spirits when he died, and remained on earth as an evil spirit, haunting the Tkalis people to this day with tricks and evil doings. Otowa Na Zuspe, Yawesa’s city, had survived in shame for four cursed cycles after his death, before all the residents either died or moved. Even now Na Zuspe was left alone, its ruins left untouched somewhere between the North and West roads.
The family was quiet for a moment, imagining that disgrace and shuddering. Esuna drew the mark against evil and Yawesa’s influence on her forehead.
“But mage-work is for girls,” Ani whined. “Girls and cripples. People who can’t do a real man’s work as a weonat or hathai.”
Yasuvidhe frowned at his son. “Ani, you will not speak of anyone with such a scornful tone, even if they are a girl and a cripple.” He turned to Esuna. “I apologize for his behavior. He should not have spoken as he did before you or the young one.”
Esuna nodded graciously, accepting the apology made on Ani’s behalf.
“That’s it!” Ani said, suddenly elated though he had just been chastised. “The young one! We can promise her to Gran Tkalis once she is old enough to serve. That was what the headman of Ataye did three cycles ago, wasn’t it? He promised his two young daughters and all future daughters to the service of the Gran Tkalis when they became of age.” He pointed at the sleeping bundle in Esuna’s lap. “We can do as he did.”
Esuna stopped her weaving and laid a hand on her only daughter and stared at her step-son for a moment before turning to her husband. “We could,” she said, neither her expression nor her voice betraying any emotion. She could have been appalled or pleased by this suggestion.
Aza mirrored over his father’s position, thinking over the proposition. He did not like what the headman of Ataye had done, but Ani was right—it was an acceptable solution to all parties.
“I am not very much aged,” Esuna was saying as she passed the bundle to her husband for inspection.“If I do not die young from disease or war as my sister did, I can bear you many more children, and some may be girls. We could indeed promise her and her sisters to Gran Tkalis for our current lapse of representation in his temple.”
Aza watched the little girl in his step-mother’s arms. Her little fuzz of hair was a dark auburn, a mix of their father’s black and their mothers’ bright copper. She shared her step-brothers’ large almond-shaped eyes and when her eyes were open, they were a bright electric blue that swallowed everything like the sky.
“What say you, young one?” Yasuvidhe said softly, gently stroking his daughter’s hair. She woke up crying. Esuna took the young one back and held her to her breast. Slowly, the baby quieted.
It’s not right, Aza thought. She looks too much like Mother. Maybe she’d be tame and docile like Esuna and work as a pharin without complaint, but what if she was a rare one like mother, born to ride and fight? Or what if she were like Esuna and was meant for weaving and the arts?
She could still ride and fight as a pharin, another side of his mind reasoned.
But not as a sahrea. And could she? If she’s promised…then from the moment she sees 5 cycles she is bound to the temple sanctums, even if she doesn’t like the work. And pharin only ride with the warriors once they are masters.
What Esuna said came back to mind. This is because we don’t have a pharin now. If we promise her to the service of Gran Tkalis now, we use her and any sisters she may have as a way to cover for “our current lapse of representation”. We would use her as a means to fix a problem that is ours. She is a person too. We should not meddle in her destiny. Only the Gran Tkalis may do that.
He glanced at Esuna and Yasuidhe. He couldn’t tell what they were thinking.
What are you going to do about it? The nagging voice asked. Volunteer yourself? Then you would be the one that would be forced to do the duties of the pharin. You would spend all day reading the histories of the people and communing with our ancestor- spirits in Sun Tribe. You would never feel the wind as you ride. You would never learn to use a blade…
Aza concentrated on the baby’s tiny foot to block out the voice. But at least I know what I’m walking into, he told himself firmly. He did not like what he was about to propose, but he knew his brother would not, and his parents would never ask them of such a thing.
“Father, Esuna… I could work as the family’s pharin. At least until the young one is old enough to decide for herself whether or not she wishes to follow the path of the temple. I can work in the temples in her stead until then.”
His parents mulled over his proposition.
“And if she chooses not to serve the temple?” Esuna asked quietly. Aza couldn’t tell what she felt from hearing this. For one of the Ekalis family, Esuna demonstrated a control of her emotions usually only seen from house Ukalis.
Aza gulped. Silence, he told his other side. “Then I would continue my service, of course.”
“It is a great dishonor to start an apprenticeship and drop out after more than year,” his father pointed out. “You will have to wait until the young one is five cycles old before you could leave. It does no good to save face now only to lose it later.”
Aza mentally kicked himself. He had forgotten that. Fortunately, his birthday was next week. If he had started warrior training any earlier, he wouldn’t even be able to do what he proposed now. At least his father had remembered. He swallowed his doubts and banished the dissenting voice from his consciousness. “I will continue then, whether or not she chooses to join me.”
“You would sacrifice your own freedom of choice for hers?” his father continued, watching him speculatively.
Aza hesitated and Ani interrupted. “Father, Aza fell off while riding this morning. We can’t be sure he’s thinking straight. Let him have a few more hours to consider his proposition. Our family has until the Meet this evening to find a pharin.”
Yasuvide nodded in permission and dismissal. Ani bowed by wrapping his left palm around his right fist and bending slightly at the waist before dragging his brother out the door. He hadn’t thought Aza had hit his head that morning, but evidently his fall had been more serious than it looked.
Hello Minerva,
ReplyDeleteWhat a treat! You’ve shared over 2,000 words in your newest post. Here’s what I think.
The general gist seems pretty clear. This is what I understood from reading your post. The uncle who aimed for peace is dead by the hand of Tiwa. Now, the people of Otowa Hopa need a new Pharin to keep contact with the Sun Spirits. The social class system has restrictions which complicates the issue to locate a suitable replacement for the shaman representative. So, Aza volunteers himself to become the next Pharin to avoid the events of his father leaving from the main council governing the people, subjecting the little girl from a fate that she did not choose, and preventing a calamity brought by not respecting the demands of the Sun Spirits.
The length is fine. You did break up the ideas in each paragraph. Plus, there’s a steady pace. It’s slightly hard to keep in mind of all the social class roles in one go, but, you can easily keep track of what is going on conversation wise.
I didn’t realize how important was finding a pharin in Yasuvide’s family, until you mentioned Yawesa’s Curse. You did communicate the gravity of the entire situation when you brought up Yawesa’s tragic past. The extra details referring to the past strengthens the idea that Otowa Hopa’s culture carries high ideals of honor. I really hope that Yawesa’s curse and backstory isn’t foreshadowing Yasuvide’s fall from power though.
Okay, let’s see how many patterns you have here. If you add a “T” in front of the name, this means that the individual is serving the Sun Spirits in a particular way, right? Otowa ____ is the naming system of the cities. I like how the last line implies that Aza’s serious idea of becoming pharin sounds ridiculous to Ani. How I interpreted the line is that Aza is falling on Ani’s standards of what a manly warrior would act.
Character wise, this is what my view of the characters so far.
Aza seems like he’s the self-sacrificing, understanding one. I like how he’s willing to maintain the honor for the family. I think his internal self-talk creates his determination to resolve the personal family crisis. To struggle in his attempt to convince all of them to become the next pharin, you can see his courage and keen sight. I approve of Aza so far.
Ani looks like he believes and acts in the polar opposite to Aza right now. From the outspoken comments by Ani, he sounds judgmental, materialistic, and critical toward the entire social structure. Is his role to serve as a foil for Aza’s character? (How old is Ani? What’s the age difference between Ani and Aza again?) I am struggling to see why he’s blunt and bold – it’s an admirable quality if he knows when to use his verbal power.
Esuna reminds me of tarot card of the High Priestess when she announced that cryptic message to unite the different parts of the family together. She is most likely foreshadowing that the entire family must work together to prevent some form of a tragic destiny placed upon them?
Okunaro sounds like an intimidating, strict perfectionist. Does he have any particular motives to become part of the Council of the Wise? Or will he be a one-time mention for now?
What I want to know: Is the Council of the Wise like the chiefdom governing system? How were they selected in this traditionalist society? Or what were the requirements to serve the community?
I wonder what the importance of the Spark is. From context, it sounds like the term to substitute for magic, mana, or an energy force linked to the Sun Spirits. (For some reason, the specific word reminds me of the blog, Anima Spark.)
Is there a reference sheet to help remember the class roles, the city names, and the key phrases? Oh, will you include a map of what the world looks like in Sun Dagger? I think those two items would be a few handy tools to discover the world of Sun Dagger.
Overall, thank you for sharing this post. I’m sorry if my comments don’t exactly provide the best feedback here. I feel redundant, wordy, and grammatically incorrect; please forgive me.
Till next time!
Forte-Rock
Hi Forte-Rock!
DeleteThank you immensely for your detailed feedback! :D It was a pleasure to read.
I'm glad that the conversation is follow-able right now. I know that there are a lot of phrases that are unfamiliar, and I'm really trying to either cut down on that or make it more manageable, but so far all I've been able to do is just put them together and hope the reader will pick it up in time. As for a reference sheet and map, I've forwarded the ideas to the characters of the story so if one of them feels up to it, they'll send me something when they're done. ;)
I'm intrigued by your characterizations thus far and interested to see how they'll develop as the story progresses! Ani is one year older than Aza. So he's 12 right now.
Haha, I saw Esuna more as the Empress than the High Priestess, but I can see why you thought that. _I'm_ not even sure where her message is pointing, for now.
Okunaro will show up again; that's all I can say. We'll see his motives later on.
I don't want to give answers I'm not completely certain about yet, or give away anything, so I can't answer your questions, but maybe things will come up later in the story! :)
Thanks!
~Minerva
Salutations!
DeleteHaha, I threw in a lot of questions because I wasn't exactly too sure how to put them as statements. :P And this story is pretty fascinating so far. Plus, I understand that you don't want to spoil any information beforehand. Writing isn't always set as stone like scientific theories, right? So, I'll wait patiently to see how the story unfolds. :)
Oh, I think I see why you say Empress for Esuna. I mean, she just had a child. She seems the type to nurture and care for others.
Huh, it's interesting how Ani and Aza are only a year apart, yet, they take two totally different stances. I thought there was a longer gap between the births of the two, (to explain why their perspectives/ opinions differ) but that's error on my part. Haha, I should consider their birthdays for more personality traits then. :P
Thanks for responding to my comment. :) Best of luck.
See ya around,
Forte Rock
Lolol.
DeleteHaha I wonder what would happen if we matched all the characters up to major arcana cards.
haha. That's true though. I do base a lot of personality aspects on sun signs XD. As for the contrasting views....XD we'll see.
I'm glad you like the story so far!
~Minerva