One day at work I randomly thought of this scene. I was going to expand it to two parts, but for now there is just this. It's short, but I hope you like it!
“You are a hideous person.” I want to laugh as I say it, to scoff and maybe sound cool, but it comes out as a sob, a quiet, miserable realization.
“You are a horrible person!” I scream, trying to redeem myself of that pathetic attempt. But it comes out strangled, a desperate cry pleading for forgiveness.
Why can’t I do this? I have the words right, but why can’t I say them right? Why can’t I put on a smirk as I utter these insults? Am I even so pitiful?
“You’re terrible,” I try again. It comes out as a whisper, a tearful affirmation.
Finally I look up from my own well of self-pity and at the girl I was belittling. She meets my eyes. We reach our hands out to comfort each other. Our fingers meet but we touch only cold glass. We sob together, pressing our cheeks together against the pale surface until our tears fall as one. Yet we can’t feel each other’s warmth: just the flat, unforgiving chill that keeps us both alone.
Eventually I pull away from the barrier and withdraw into myself, hugging my knees as though the world was about to tear apart from within me. I become a three-headed horror: bloated, dripping eyes and a runny nose stuck on the head between two knees.
The girl on the other side of the mirror does the same. I see her mouth open, but I only hear myself scream.
The unofficial title of this is supposed to be "Mirror Image" but I feel like that gives away the ending so I didn't use it as the post title. Um...yea. I was going to post the next five posts of ECA, but I haven't finished the comment blurbs...and I'm still stuck finding an epic synonym for "event"/ "simulation"
'nywhays, hope you enjoy!
Greetings Minerva,
ReplyDeleteSounds as if this character is going through a period of self-deprecation or is she just a failed bully?
It seems kind of interesting that the first two lines start of in a similar fashion- it’s an intentional parallel, yes? How are the words “right”? I seriously wonder.
The sadness and loneliness is lingering here. Although, I feel bad for her pain, loneliness, and hopelessness, something tells me that she doesn’t want to rely on condolences from anybody. Hmm. That was strange… Though, I really like the diction selection. You can feel that chilling, isolated feeling of self-defeat. Yet even if this is sort of depressing, I felt some hope from the reading that sentence: “We reach our hands out to comfort each other.” I took it as friends trying to get over some rough time. (It must be evident, I let some personal events today color my thinking). Why did unconditional love flash by? (Yes, surely I did. I must have been thinking about a little description on a plaque.). But then, I grew somewhat confused that they were alone yet they were close by with some barrier in between. I just didn’t really put two and two together…
Okay, I’m sorry but the second to last line bothers me for some reason: “I become a three-headed horror: bloated, dripping eyes and a runny nose stuck on the head between two knees.” I can see the image, sure, but something how “bloated, dripping eyes and a runny nose” clash and give this jarring feel. Maybe it was intentional, but certainly in my head is triggering a red flag saying that rupture in flow just sticks out… Ah, this might be just a personal clash with how I read the flow of words.
Before I read the finishing line, I thought about what was separating and bring together the two individuals. The idea of accepting your enemies as friends with unconditional love was still a random possibility. Plus, I was having some flashback to an invisible wall similar to “Draw with Me.” Link is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRkgH7Uu-hA. Also, I was picking up vibes from Narcissus when I read about the tears dropping. With the finishing line, I had that huge “OH” moment. A mirror. It was just a mirror separating herself. Then, a trail of random thoughts passed by and I realized I should comment.
Just as a heads up… You misspelled “against” in “pressing out cheeks together agains the pale surface“ and your “’nywhays” unless you were purposely emphasizing the “wh.”
Will there still be two parts to reflect (I first thought Yin-Yang, but no… the sadness and the other side of the mirror)? Even if you’re not, it’s nice to see something different. Yup, that was enjoyable.
Anyhow, good luck with writing.
Forte-Rock
Hi! Thank you for your comment and feedback!
DeleteI am guessing that the first two paragraphs are part of your thought process as you were reading so I'm not replying to the questions there? I do appreciate telling me what you were thinking as you read it though!
To address the rupture in flow, would it be better if it read "I become a three-headed horror, with bloated, dripping eyes and a runny nose stuck on the head between two knees." ? Or is it the actual description that bothers you? Is it the writing (abrupt use of the colon) or the image itself that breaks the flow and gives you a jarring feeling? I'll try to improve!
I'm glad the end wasn't too obvious and I'm happy you were thinking of other ideas! I think it's an interesting take that you focused on the idea of unconditional love throughout the piece.
Awww Draw with Me is so tragic!
I've fixed the typo; thanks for catching it! :) Although I try to proofread each story before I post, sometimes I still miss things!
'nywhays was intentional though. That's just my weird idiosyncrasy.
I was also thinking of making it two parts, but the other part isn't written yet and I don't know if I will. It was definitely different than what I usually write, but I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Thank you for your feedback!
Hi.
DeleteHaha, although it took me two hours just to get my words together, my thoughts kinda sound somewhat rough and raw in that beginning two paragraphs. Glancing over that, it seemed if I was putting filler. My bad.
I paused at the colon then read the "bloated, dripping eyes and a runny nose" and felt those words clashed. It's just the arrangement of those words. I think I'm just too used to seeing "ed" words stringed together or "ing" words together. The abrupt feeling from the colon doesn’t work for me. I like how you added “with,” but don’t base it off of one little person’s opinion. The image doesn't exactly break the flow. I think I'm just being picky with the arrangement of those words.
I think I was really hoping that someone would give comfort and try to lift up their spirits to that someone who feels sad. Yeah, although Draw with Me is sad in the fact that they can’t be right next to each other, but it’s pretty touching though. Did you see at the end?
No problem. It wasn’t that obvious until I stared that the word for at least a minute and realized there’s no “t.” Ah, idiosyncrasy. That word has such an interesting meaning. :)
Well, I hope you do write another part. If not, I guess it’ll be a fleeting memory. Agreed, I don’t think you usually write in this style of emo-ness. Kudos to you for getting back into the writing habit.
Forte-Rock